Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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