YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
