I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you never un-have a 4some
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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