I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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