I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
