Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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