it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
