There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize