He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
