I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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