she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
