well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
