Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am one with the molecules
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
