I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
