That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
