When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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