here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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