Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
