the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
