so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize