I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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