my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
