when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize