the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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