Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
