im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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