We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
