I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
