New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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