I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
