I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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