this just has baby written all over it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Alive.
So much puke
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
