so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
