hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
