i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
