Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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