That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize