i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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