you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
