WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
