Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
