Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
