I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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