If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
