his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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