if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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