WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
