So drunk, too bad you don't want this
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize