There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
