Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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