it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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