remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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