Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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