Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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