i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
