Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
