My friends, they love my intelligence
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
