You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
