i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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