Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
