i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
