Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
