the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
