the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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