P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
