Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
