I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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