Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just pee around me
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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