I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
