I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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